The topic of our article is separation from parents. What kind of department is this and what is it for? Let's figure it out. Let's make a reservation right away: separation is not a separate housing, or rather, not only that, separation is a deep, multifaceted, complex process that has a huge number of consequences and manifestations, both external and internal. A person who has separated from the parental system becomes emotionally, financially, and ideologically independent. Unfortunately, in the modern world this phenomenon is more rare than we would like. Much more often you can meet people who have not separated from their parents. What does it look like? In different ways, but some similarities can be discerned. Let's talk about this in more detail. Let's say there is a family. Both spouses are not only adults, they are already quite mature - over forty, their son is finishing college. The wife’s mother lives in another city, they rarely call each other, the relationship is calm, warm, as they say, “from afar.” But my husband’s mother, mother-in-law, that is, lives not only in the same city, but also on the same street three houses away. And her son goes to dinner every single day not to his home, but to - where do you think? - yes, yes, to mom. And on weekends, he, his wife and son go to “mom’s” together. But this is not the end of the story! Because the mother-in-law also calls and talks to all family members in turn every day, and all this together resembles “control by the General Staff.” Whether you want it or not, it’s “the way it’s supposed to be” - and be kind. And it’s easy to understand that when “you don’t want it, but you have to” begins to rule a relationship, there’s clearly something wrong with that relationship. We were all children, and we all remember very well that amazing feeling of comfort, warmth and love that covered when mom hugged, when dad picked him up in his arms, the happiness that bloomed in the soul when he met his parents after a long separation, saw them again loving eyes, felt hands, inhaled a smell that, it turns out, you can also miss. Yes, childhood is gone, but is it inevitable that these experiences also went with it? Has this feeling of being “loved” by dear people gone irrevocably? Before answering these questions, let’s ask ourselves one more: what, in fact, makes adults, sane people remain connected with their parents - but connected not by a feeling of closeness, kinship, love, deepest spiritual warmth, but by some other bonds that bring to mind all sorts of similar words: prisoner, prison... but you don’t want your relationship with your parents to evoke such associations, oh, how you don’t want to! Now imagine such a scene. A very intelligent lady, a teacher in the higher education system, shares her joy with a friend: “You know, how good it is that there are so many ways to communicate now! Here I found an operator from whom you can make long-distance calls for pennies - and how much easier life has become! Otherwise, my daughter studies in Moscow, so we talk for three hours every day, she tells me everything and everything that happened at the lectures, where she and her friends went, what they saw. So I am absolutely calm for her, even though she is in another city. And of course, I’m ready to pay any money for conversations, but it’s better anyway: now I can send her more...” Her daughter, beautiful and smart, is a full-time student and also attends additional education courses in the evenings. And he studies with excellent marks and is engaged in scientific work. Now let’s do the math: lectures last about five hours, plus classes in the library for two hours, plus the road to the hostel is also two hours back and forth, and you also need to eat two or three times, and go to courses, and maintain your appearance okay, and sleep, well, at least sometimes... Where? Where do they get three more hours to talk with mom?! It's mind boggling. This is more reminiscent not of a real story from Russian reality, but of some kind of science fiction film, where there are devices for teleportation, compression and stretching of time, etc. Although it is clear, of course, that there is no smell of science fiction here, and time,necessary for daily communication with mother, is found in other areas of life: from communication with peers, for example, with the opposite sex, again... This example clearly shows that living separately, and even living in different cities, is not in itself a sign of separation from parents. Although most often non-separated people live with their parents together or nearby (in the same city, district, on the same street, sometimes even in the same house). And then for sure... No, not like in that children's song. Then, for sure, parents are invading the territory of the private life of their adult children, and there will be “not enough fun” in this, as they say. Well, who would like to hear a knock on the wall in the most intimate moments of life: they say, the bed is creaking loudly, they would be ashamed of their father and mother . Who would enjoy having their parents involved in the most important and stressful conversations with their spouse? Living under the exacting gaze of your partner's parents? And no one will like it. And since, as a rule, the rule “you can’t offend your elders” is deeply embedded in the basic strategy of behavior from childhood, then all the tension associated with this situation will pour out one way or another on the partner. And if the cup of patience is completely overflowing, and one not very pleasant day some unkind word will be said to the parents of your wife or spouse, then something like that will begin... So-so... It can’t be said in a fairy tale, nor can it be described with a pen. At least not in censored terms. But of course! After all, they encroached on the most sacred thing! To offend mom and dad! And this can be understood, because dad and mom are truly the most sacred. In a word, if separation from parents did not occur, then parents continue to perceive their no matter how adult, smart, beautiful, strong sons and daughters as little boys and girls, dependent , who don’t understand anything in life, who, as soon as you turn away, will immediately play something out of thoughtlessness and ruin it. And this is still half the problem, or rather, not even half, but a smaller part of it, and most of it lies in the fact that the daughters and sons themselves are adults! accomplished! often family themselves! - they see themselves in the context of moms and dads as small and unintelligent, and this context in this situation becomes wide-eyed, very, very wide, almost all-encompassing. Its boundaries are erased and it penetrates into various spheres of life. And then it turns out that a person grows up, but does not mature, does not become independent. It turns out that it’s as if a little boy or little girl is playing at going to school, then to college, to work, and playing at family. And this “supposedly game” can last for years and decades. The point is that for a person in such a situation, the first place in importance is not life, not family, not career, but the opinion of mom and dad about this. And if in early childhood this was normal, and one could easily refuse any game if mom called home, then in adulthood persistently keeping mom or dad, or both of them, in the first and most important place of priorities is, at a minimum, Weird. And it's certainly ineffective. Because childhood, as we have already said, is long gone, a completely different stage of life has arrived, and this new stage requires a different approach, different thinking, different prioritization. So why is all this being done? This process - we mean the artificial prolongation of childhood - is two-sided, and it makes sense to consider the reasons driving both sides. Let's say there is a young woman. And this young woman marries a man. And their family life begins. And in family life, each spouse plays different roles, and one of them is the role of a supportive, caring parent in relation to another person (maternal support is a female role, paternal support is a male role). And to perform this function, energy and strength are needed (we mean support, not guardianship and control; we have already written about what the distorted role of the “custodial” and “controlling” parent in the family system leads to). And here is a young woman, not daring to fulfill this maternal role, and perhaps for some reason of their ownfor reasons of not having the energy for this, or for some other reason, he takes it and delegates it to his mother. And if your own is far away, then the husband’s mother. And then it turns out that one adult, mature woman has two children of not very young age in her care. When the family is self-sufficient, when the spouses themselves take responsibility and perform all the functions that are intended for them, then the family works harmoniously, it absorbs energy and gives even more energy to its members. And then the people included in such a system constantly draw strength and support from it and go very, very far in life - to where they themselves want. However, if one of the roles is “passed” to the outside, if suddenly one is invited to play this role ( and, I must say, another person is “registered” in the family... Well, in general, it’s as if a healthy person suddenly decided to wear glasses, contact lenses or walk on crutches. Not only is there no pleasure, perception is distorted, movement is slowed down, but it is also harmful to health. Did he really need it, you ask? This is not some kind of performance, this is life. And, by the way, an actor, if he suddenly has to play a short-sighted or crippled person, will, of course, put on glasses, but most likely with simple glasses, and stand on crutches, but as soon as he goes down curtain - will happily throw them away and stretch the stiff muscles. And he certainly won’t go home like this, firmly believing that now it will always be like this! And it makes sense to think about this. It is much more effective to play your roles yourself in your family - then you can also reap the wonderful fruits of this yourself. And the point is not that if these roles are transferred to someone outside, the fruits will have to be shared with this someone, no. There simply won’t be any fruits, and if there are, they will be such that you hardly want to taste them... And keeping this in mind, you can do a lot to improve your family system, because it’s worth it. Now let’s look at the problem of separation from parents with on the other hand, from the parents of growing children. What prevents them from calmly letting their daughters and sons go? Accept the changes happening to them? Look at them with different eyes and see in the place of boys and girls, men and women, smart, developed, capable of completely independent thinking and living? It happens that fear gets in the way. And often this is fear for oneself. That is, even if a person says that he is afraid that something will happen to his loved one, he is often afraid of what will happen to him if such an outcome occurs. And in this case, it is important to understand that parents are also afraid. Most often - loneliness, loss of a sense of self-importance and significance, fear of feeling unnecessary and unloved. They are afraid of losing what they had in their youth, when children were small and looked at them with boundless adoration, as deities of their personal world. And a person who is driven by fear, especially if he does not realize this fear, does not recognize it or mistakes it for another, will unconsciously or semi-consciously strive to protect himself from a frightening situation. How? It’s not a fact that it’s in the most effective way. And most likely, even the opposite. In the described situation, the behavior of a parent is the behavior of a person who needs some kind of resource and constantly comes to the same place for this resource. There, in this very specific place, that resource has long since run out: everything, the mine, designed for, say, fifteen years of use, has been exhausted, there is no iron to be mined there, they only produce waste rock (irritation, resentment, the attitude of “should love" instead of "I really love"). And if a person has already forgotten why he came here, he will take away empty rock with him and get angry, annoyed, blame someone - but still “extract” in the same place what he They don't give it here anymore. But if he suddenly remembers what exactly he was looking for here, and understands that it is important for him to get this resource, and no matter where, in what place and in what way, such a person will be able to look around and will certainly find the very place where It’s now that we have exactly that resource! A lot of! So many,