From the author: The article was prepared for the newspaper “Youth Messenger” No. 23 (6364) November 13, 2018 In many families, there is an opinion that quarrels are a very bad indicator for family life. Sometimes I see women and/or men who say that they are very upset that there are quarrels in the family. At the same time, I always find out from the person what exactly is happening, how often it happens, in what form, how he feels, how his partner feels. Is a quarrel in the family always “bad”, “catastrophic”, or sometimes people still make a big deal out of a molehill? In order to understand this issue, I would highlight several conditional lines: 1. Firstly, it is important to understand what each partner means by quarrels. This is important because for one, a quarrel will be any disagreement with his position, even in an acceptable form, while for another, a quarrel will be a fight, insults, etc. Sometimes one of the partners has a certain idealized idea of ​​how family relationships should develop. At the slightest disagreement, such a person is inclined to dramatize the situation, indulge in excessive accusations of the partner, and self-flagellation. This happens due to the “collapse” of the idealized picture. Often such people say: “In my family, the parents never quarreled,” or “What kind of family is this where people fight?”, “Either everything should be fine, or not at all,” etc. This kind of idealization is formed very early, in childhood. There are many reasons for it, but in all cases, without exception, a person becomes a hostage to his own very rigid internal system. At the same time, it is difficult for him to realize that a family is not two tightly glued twins who think, feel and act exactly the same. The family consists of two different people, although in many ways, of course, very similar. And these two people have every right to their own position and point of view. At the same time, it is always important to remember that no matter how we idealize ourselves or our partner, we are all living people and in each of us there is something “positive” and something completely “negative.”2. Secondly, it is important to understand how quarrels occur. Partners can express their points of view in different ways. We can say that these forms of expression can be adequate and inadequate. The problem is that most people immediately perceive a quarrel as something bad, not carrying any constructive value, as an event with an outburst of wild aggression, tears, hysterics, almost beatings and the collapse of everything around. Quite often, when there is a clash of opinions or interests, it can be difficult for partners to hear and understand each other. If they still try to do this, albeit with difficulty, we can say that they are looking for a constructive way out of the conflict. At the same time, everything does not have to be smooth and sleek. Situations are different, sometimes, while heatedly discussing something, people can raise their tone of voice and be more emotional. There is nothing wrong with this, provided that even if the partners talk quite emotionally, they do not insult each other, do not humiliate each other’s dignity, and do not cross certain lines of respect for each other. If quarrels are accompanied by physical and/or emotional violence, then in these cases we can confidently say that there are serious problems in the family that need to be resolved as quickly as possible.3. How often do quarrels occur? It would be a big mistake to say unequivocally that if quarrels occur very often, this is a sure sign that the family will soon collapse. Every family goes through a number of crisis periods in its development. At this time, indeed, the partners’ dissatisfaction, their disagreement with another position may escalate, and the number of quarrels may increase. We can say that for the family this is a period of testing their strength. At the same time, it is during these difficult periods that very important positive changes occur. And in this sense, quarrels are either a chance to clarify and transform something, or, if the partners are not ready to hear each other,