Motherly love, like love for a man or a woman, can be different. Unconditional, all-consuming, burdensome, insufficient, moderate, reasonable, ostentatious, mutually beneficial, detached, etc. This is neither bad nor good. This is how this world works. Everything is relative. Even in this concept... The concept of “maternal love”. Mothers who wish happiness to their children and are actually concerned about the future of their children prepare them from early childhood for an independent successful life. A life not attached to one’s own life, a life of pleasure, not of burden. Such mothers do not preach truisms at the end of their years: “I’m letting you go and now I won’t do anything for you. I did everything I could for you, now you yourself need to learn to be an adult. It’s time for me to take some time for myself.” It’s funny to read this when the son or daughter of such a mother is far from thirty/forty years old and until this day they have not been taught to live, have not been taught to choose, they do not know what they like from food and clothing, they do not know where to get the missing amount of money, they know how life works without mother’s intervention. It is sad to consult such mothers who did everything for their children, without preparing them for - and without teaching them life, expecting gratitude and “insight” from them in return. They, mothers, actually denied themselves many things, and instead of successful, self-sufficient adults, they see before them losers and “backbones,” constantly repeating the same joke: “What kind of parents are they who cannot feed their child until retirement?” The point here is that just as it is impossible to develop something that is not formed, it is also impossible to wait for an “epiphany” from someone for whom the consumer form of communication is the norm. If I grew up from childhood and didn’t know a different style of relationship with my mother, then how can I understand that that’s enough, tomorrow I’m already an adult, I decide everything myself, I can do everything myself, I earn everything myself and I don’t involve my mother in anything , and he himself arranges everything? Do I take care of my mother, pamper her and make her happy with her adulthood and success? Habit takes over again. We are all hostages of our habits. In this context, neither mothers nor children are exceptions. Some are used to “dragging”, others are used to driving. It is clear that both one and the other love each other, each with their own love, of which they are capable, and, it seems, they understand, reflect what is happening, but there was no experience of other communication, nor a motive to acquire it. The thought that you can live differently does not occur to you. At first it doesn't come. For what? So everything is great! Look at my mother, how reliable, how kind, how all-forgiving and all-understanding. And to be honest, what does she, mom, need to be happy, only one thing is for me to be happy. For whom does she live and earn money? As long as I live, I hear: “I don’t need anything, I do everything for you. And if we’re being completely objective, I didn’t ask to give birth.” And at this time my mother thinks: “I thought I would have support in my old age, I would protect everything, protect you, feel sorry for you... Ungrateful. He’s used to doing everything at my expense and will never ask, Mom, what do you want, what can I do for you?” So everyone walks with their own thoughts, with their own habits of seeing in each other someone who is convenient. At first, the little one doesn’t understand anything, what he can choose there, what he can cope with there without me, at first it’s convenient - quickly dressed herself, quickly put on shoes herself, quickly did everything she could for him, and then - not small and not convenient, but not taught in any other way and not able to do it. And he doesn’t want it any other way, he’s still small and he’s still comfortable. And he still doesn’t consider it necessary to reckon with his mother. He just didn't think about it. there was no reason. For so many years she lived this way, and now she suddenly begins to reproach, reproach, point out shortcomings, dependence on her opinion and financial insolvency. What's the logic? Why was it like this until today, and now should it change? The point here is not that this adult child needs to be justified, to see a victim in him, to complain about the circumstances that have developed this way, to empathize with him. MoreMoreover, right now it is appropriate to recall the statements of mothers: “Our parents had no time to take care of us, they somehow grew up and achieved everything. Nobody babysat us. I walked five kilometers to finish high school, no one forced me or controlled me. And for these modern children, no matter what you do, no gratitude, no desire for anything...” When you start to clarify why they went so far to school, where such amazing motivation comes from, it turns out: “Yes, since childhood I hated poverty, in which they lived. What were the times before? Collective farm work was also in my throat from early childhood... I understood that if I didn’t learn and break free, I would live like my parents and everyone else...” And remembering these statements, somehow the answers to the questions that unfortunate mothers ask to ourselves. It was not from super willpower, but from the desire to escape from something, to change one’s difficult life that peaks were conquered and actions were performed... Why should someone who has nothing to run from make these efforts and efforts? Why should their children make unnecessary body movements when they are in a zone of increased comfort? Why should their children change their established habits? Until the age of three, a person’s intellectual base is formed, and until the age of seven, the personal base is formed. Remember at what age did you begin to consider your child, at what age did he gain the right to express his own opinion, choose the type of activity, etc.? Absolutely right, in our society for some reason it is customary to babysit and decide everything for the child, in an exaggerated form, it is unacceptable to primitively name the things that surround him. Instead of a dog - woof, woof, instead of a clock - tick-tock, instead of a car - beep, beep. This is instead of using these words in pairs, that is, a word denoting someone or something and the sounds made by this someone or something (if there are sounds, of course). And all this is burry, lisping, unacceptable not only for the development of speech, but also for the development of thinking. Key concept for parents: “He is two years old, what can he understand and choose, how should I take him into account?” This is in early childhood. And then: “It’s still too early for you. Why do you need it? I know better what you need." Meanwhile, as practice shows, children in whom a personality is recognized from birth and who are not brought up according to the “gave birth for his own pleasure” type, in whom they initially see a person, tiny, small, but a person (not a doll, a goofball, a baby, a baby, a toddler, a toddler, a doll, etc.), at two years old, when asked: “What toy should we take outside?”, they very intelligently choose the item that they need. Note, for them, the children, and not for us, the mothers, who suddenly decided: “I’ll take the car outside, let my son play, he still doesn’t understand, it’s just a toy.” And with girls, everything is much more versatile. At two years old, she will show you with her finger from the options offered to her the one ring that needs to be bought, and from several dresses she will choose the one that she needs to wear today. This is provided that your initial goal is not to have a child for some of your personal ambitions or because it’s time already. You consciously see yourself as a mother and give your child life so that he can find himself and competently build his own life, be independent, independent, self-sufficient and free. Free from conventions and everything that goes with it. You perceive your child not narrowly as a son or daughter, but on a large scale - as a PERSON. A person who has the right to live his own life, make his own mistakes, gain his own experience, be himself. A man born to live his personal life. True, for this you need to create conditions and accept the fact that your child does not owe you anything, just like you do not owe him anything. And for some reason this fact frightens and depresses many, causing persistent hostility and rejection. Like, what are we going to agree on now, if no one owes anyone anything in this life? Here is a clarification: no one - no one, yes, BUT YOURSELF - owes it to himself, to himselfobliged to yourself, you set rules for yourself, limit principles that you will not violate under any circumstances, etc. That is, you do something or don’t do it not because you are called upon, controlled, or because you are afraid of punishment or reproach, but because you cannot do otherwise. You do not allow yourself under any circumstances to be uncultured, ill-mannered, ungrateful, incontinent, etc. It's your choice. The choice to respect yourself, and therefore respect all others. The choice to be independent and accept the independence of others, including relatives. The choice to love yourself, which means to love the whole world. The choice to accept yourself, respectively, to accept this entire imperfect world. The choice to take care of yourself, that is, to be able to show care for others and accept their care. The choice to be a mother... What kind of mother? Cold, arrogant, always dissatisfied or immensely pampering, allowing everything, over-controlling, overprotective? A mother who finds herself in the seclusion of motherhood, relying only on her personal experience, comparing her children only with herself, and her family with the one in which she grew up, fitting everything into this framework? Or a mother who chose motherhood as the right to be happy, not to dissolve and not get lost in this single role, but to develop, improve, get to know this world and from the point of view of her child’s vision of it? Mother’s love can be very different, how much has already been said and negotiated, written and painted on this topic... Mothers who wish happiness to their children and are actually concerned about the future of their children prepare them from early childhood for an independent successful life. A life not attached to one’s own life, a life of pleasure, not of burden. And for this you need to be able to enjoy life yourself, be free and happy, because everyone knows the immutable truth: “Unhappy mothers do not have happy children.” When they ask me how I personally raised my children, what helped me in this, psycho-pedagogical or life experience, I answer: “No. I always asked myself one question, if I die today, what have my children learned, how will they live without me?” (it is clear that we are not talking about the early age of children). This very specifically and clearly helped to see what I didn’t give them, what I missed, what I didn’t teach. At the same time, I have a husband, that is, the children have a father, and grandmothers take an active part in our family. But this was precisely what was important: to teach children independence, responsibility, to develop the ability to make choices and be free. My children do everything for themselves, they learned this very early. For themselves, they studied well, for themselves they engaged in those types of activities that they needed at one or another stage of growing up, for themselves they acquired negative or positive experience of communicating with peers and they themselves discovered new, unknown things in themselves, something that they need to work on. work. We, adults, have always been and are nearby, we always participate in their lives, we always share with them everything that they allow us to share and do not cross boundaries that we have no right to cross. This is not connivance or hyper-loyalty, this is trust and the right given to them to be themselves. We love them and will accept them as they are, we will not abandon them, we will not turn away, no matter what happens, but they must build and live their own lives. We feel very free and comfortable together. None of us owe anyone anything. Everything we do for each other is because each of us wants it. Respecting personal space, creating conditions for success and pleasant communication, spending time together, taking into account intersecting interests and the radically opposite in each of us - this is not difficult for us. We appreciate every minute spent together, we make joint decisions, help each other. We have each other for joy and happiness, and we understand that in order to maintain this feeling we must continue to work on ourselves, we cannot get used to it. Habit will quickly do its job... Habits deprive us of freedom and force us to accept the amazing and unique in each of us as».