One of the crises that a person goes through in the process of working with a psychologist and getting to know himself is the need to choose himself in various life situations and realize and define his boundaries. What does it mean to “choose yourself,” and why is it sometimes so painfully difficult to do this? If a person lived for 30, 40 years, adapting to the interests of those around him, fulfilling the will of others, acting out of motives - not to upset his parents, not to anger a loved one, “just it would be good for everyone,” pushing aside one’s own comfort, desires, interests - to begin to choose oneself turns out to be a task so overwhelming that in some cases it even leads to stopping working with a psychologist. After all, this means looking at your life with a sober look and understanding how relationships with others and with yourself are actually built, what they are based on, what role the person himself plays in these relationships? Let's say that a relationship with a beloved spouse is possible only if a woman lives in complete obedience to the rules that he has established. In these relationships, she cannot make any decisions without consulting her husband; her list of priorities includes everything that can make his life more comfortable - housekeeping, everyday life, children - everything is on her, while there is absolutely no time for herself, her hobbies , interests. There is not even an hour allotted in the weekly task list to be with yourself, to do what you love. Contact is also built on the principle “so that everyone around me feels good, but not me” - the woman adapts to her husband’s behavior, tries in every possible way to please emotionally, puts her soul into the relationship, skipping, not noticing and considering as completely normal those moments when she is offended, hurt, when she does not feel the same return in her address, when her interests are not taken into account in decision-making, and so on. Relationships with parents are built according to the same pattern: there is a taboo against upsetting or angering parents in some way, it is customary to ignore comments and barbs addressed to oneself (well, it’s mom!...), it is customary for parents to act solely in his own interests, not allowing the child to choose himself and his life - where to live, with whom, where to go to study, and so on. When a person begins to understand how his relationships with others are built, to catch those moments when the flimsy boundaries of his personality treacherously are violated when close people hurt, offend, humiliate, do not take into account their opinions, when it becomes clear that all their life a person did not choose, betrayed himself, acted exclusively in the interests of others, it is very difficult to stop and say “Stop, this is happening to me.” I can’t, from now on I choose myself and only myself.” It seems that my whole life has gone downhill. Everything that a person relied on - bending under those around him, leaving no time and energy in his life for the most important person - himself, building relationships by completely erasing his boundaries and “serving”, including the emotional interests of others, turns out to be wrong , unviable, a path leading to nowhere. If a person is completely dependent on others, on their opinions, approval, location, and his whole life adapts to others, trying to receive warmth and love through complete neglect of himself, his feelings and interests, stopping and starting to rebuild relationships is tantamount to a small death for a person. At this point a person faces his fears. Fear of the unknown - what will happen when I start thinking and taking care of myself, because life can change beyond recognition... And living the way I live is familiar and comfortable. The fear of loneliness comes forward - I clearly understand that as soon as I begin to indicate my boundaries to others, to say “This is unpleasant for me”, “this cannot be done with me”, I may be left alone. After all, if the relationship was built on the fact that I cave in, changing my position in the relationship is tantamount to losing it... Everyone who once decided to choose goes through a similar crisis, doubts and fears