DO YOU STILL BELIEVE THAT “A WOMAN SHOULD BE UNAVAILABLE AND A MAN SHOULD ACHIEVE HER”? Let's look at today - what are the deep reasons for the myth of inaccessibility. Why is it so easy to believe that “a woman should be unavailable, and a man should pursue her”? Because childhood experience, the memory of it, says: “But that’s how it happened. I am familiar with this pattern of behavior and relationships.” And it is “indestructible”! Of course, you may not consciously think so. But your unconscious has no doubt about it. He has “facts” - your unconscious fantasies and experience of relationships with your parents, which subsequently guides your relationships with other people as an adult. And it follows from this that the mother could feel inaccessible to the child. *Girls are identified with their mother. “I want to be like my mother,” they tell themselves, and this is an unconscious choice. And already an adult girl remembers how she loved her mother, how she desired her warmth - and her mother could feel like a cold and inaccessible “statue”. And this could provoke new fantasies that dad married mom precisely because mom is so “unavailable.” That is, a fantasy appears that you can only get married by being like your mother. But reality often turns out to be different, contradicting this fantasy (attitude). * The boys sought their mother’s attention and hated their mother for not receiving due recognition, approval, and love. And the desire to win an “unavailable woman” is an unconscious desire to finally win mother’s love and attention. But where to put hatred, resentment and anger? Of course, these feelings are repressed by a small child. You can’t take all your anger out on your mom. But there is no ban on women. And after the “victory” and “conquest”, all the negativity pours out on the partner in the form of claims, jealousy and humiliation. It turns out that this myth “about inaccessibility and conquest” is based on trauma. That's why he's so resilient. It is necessary to make conscious efforts to change the attitude that operates at the unconscious level, including the collective level. After all, happy close relationships are possible only between those people who have mutual warm feelings for each other. And there is an opportunity to feel relaxation in communication. And to know that they will be accepted - and not rejected in different experiences. There is trust and a feeling of “availability” of each other when necessary - that is, real closeness. And there is a clear division - which feelings are for mom and dad, and which are for a loved one. But we still have to get to this point. And sometimes these are years of personal analysis. You build relationships and try to understand and talk about what is happening in them - and this is an important skill for maintaining a happy relationship. Inaccessibility in women and the desire to achieve at any cost in men creates a lot of tension in the body and soul. People learn to appear not to be who they are, plus society puts complexes on men - if they are not “macho”, that is, they do not seduce all women in a row (you already know from the previous article “A woman should not be available?” that to seduce – this is not “manly”). And if a woman allows herself to choose, then this causes disapproval. And it happens that women are drawn precisely to unavailable men. After all, married and addicted, alcoholics are unavailable people for real intimacy. I believe that you can change your life scenarios. I believe that you can be truly happy in a relationship with yourself first of all. In agreement with yourself, you can allow yourself what you want. A sense of dignity and self-respect, understanding yourself will help you find (and most importantly, maintain and increase) happiness in relationships. Ps: I will be glad to help you in individual consultations. Sign up by mail [email protected]. Irina Potemkina Analytical psychologist and EFT practitioner