From the author: The article will talk about one of the forms of psychological benefit from the “victim position in the family” as a factor in the formation of depression and anxiety. Experts in the field of psychology know for certain that there are secondary psychological benefits from any neurotic state. But the situation is often different with clients. After all, it would seem - where is the logic? A person comes to get rid of a problem, pays money for it - what benefits are we talking about? I often hear the phrase from clients: “Well, what’s the benefit? What are you talking about? I can’t live with this anymore, it’s so hard for me!” etc. And the more fiercely the position is defended, the more clear it becomes that the benefit is significant. In this article I will give only one category of such “advantageous conditions”, the one that one often encounters. It's about the "sacrifice". Clients with this type of secondary gain, as a rule, come in a state of significant decompensation, they are exhausted both physically and mentally, and experience serious problems. - such as severe depression of mood, sleep disturbances. And the “self-sacrifice” began many years before it was necessary to seek help. For example: the mother of the family is a sweet, wonderful woman. She lives in the interests of family members, knows all their needs and aspirations, tries to arrange the life of her loved ones with maximum comfort: the linen is always ironed, the floors are clean, dinners are cooked (such clients often attach great importance to the family’s nutrition - changing dishes, intricate recipes.) They know for sure. scheduling classes and sports sections for children, sitting in the front row at competitions, awards, performances - they always provide a sufficient amount of support. Such clients treat the shortcomings (sometimes glaring!) of their husbands condescendingly - they are always ready to lend a shoulder or take full responsibility upon themselves. Forgot to give a gift on March 8th? It’s okay - just think, we’ve been together for so many years, the budget is still the same. Spending the weekend with friends? Yes, it’s not pleasant, but you can understand him - he works hard, needs rest, a change of environment. Family members don't wash their dishes? Come on, I still do it faster and better - the list goes on and on. At the same time, a woman can work three jobs, help elderly relatives and somewhere else and sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice... When you ask about your own development, entertainment, travel, recreation - you get a puzzled look in response - When should I? What are you talking about? Well, the whole family went to Altai three years ago, although the youngest then developed a fever there, but I always have a first aid kit with me. And so, endlessly living in the interests of loved ones and loved ones, a person loses himself. There is an interesting feature in conversations with such clients - you get a lot of information about family members, it begins to seem that you know them personally, but there is very little information about the client herself. One gets the impression that there is very little of this person, he has disappeared into other people - nothing individual, nothing personal... It would seem, what benefits could there be here? But, strangely enough, they exist. First of all, the feeling “I am good.” Low self-esteem is reinforced - there is no initial confidence in one’s “goodness”, and so through work and deeds indisputable evidence is obtained. A sense of self-worth like: Well, where are they without me? They don’t even know where their things are! They can’t heat up lunch themselves! In this way, the feeling of being in demand, being needed is reinforced - again, self-esteem is reinforced. Control over family members and those who are in the “care zone”. Yes Yes! By helping and delving into, the “victim” knows everything, controls everything. By taking on as many responsibilities as possible, he deprives family members of independence and infantilizes them. The infantile one is easier to control. He reinforces himself with the confidence that no matter what happens, “they will still come running to mom, because mom is the one who will not betray, the one who will help.” Responsibility for one’s life is often dumped on circumstances and care.