From the author: Come to the Symbiosis of Personal Reflections studio with Robin. “It happens”: you say, so what? “Yes it hurts, yes I suffer, but I can survive!” Women!!! But what to do if you always find the “wrong” men? What to do if you are so drawn to them, to the cold, powerful, magically restrained, who don’t give a damn about anything, they know what they want and it turns you on wildly, they are like a wall against which you eventually break your forehead. On writing this The notes were inspired by an initial session with one of my clients (it was a long time ago, but I kept forgetting to describe this incident). The amount of pain, guilt, dissatisfaction and desire to change himself for him exceeded all acceptable thresholds of torment in a relationship. She kept repeating: “Don’t you understand, I can’t do this!! What should I do to make him love me?” In order to describe the phenomenon “You love - you don’t exist”, I decided to use some materials from American authors, who have experience working with TLS (toxic love syndrome). In order to answer the question: why does this happen, it’s worth taking a short excursion into your life and perhaps facing an unpleasant reality. I would like to offer you a number of characteristic features that women have who often love those who are cold to them. So Robin Norwood suggests the following: Typically, you grew up in a dysfunctional family where your emotional needs were not met. Having received little real warmth and affection in childhood, you try to satisfy your need indirectly, becoming overly tender and caring - especially in relation to men who seem to need it. Since you were never able to change your parents and get warmth and affection from them, you react sharply to the type of emotionally unavailable man you know. You are trying to change him again with your love. Fearing that he will leave, you are willing to do anything to keep the relationship from falling apart. There is nothing too unpleasant, too expensive or too time-consuming for you if it will “help” your man. Accustomed to the absence of love in personal relationships, you are ready to wait and hope and try harder and harder to please your man. You are ready to take on a large share of responsibility and blame for what happened in your relationship. Your self-esteem remains at a critically low level. Internally, you don't believe that you deserve happiness; rather, you believe that you must earn the right to enjoy life. Having been insecure since childhood, you feel a desperate need to control your man and your relationship with him. You mask your efforts to control people and situations with a desire to “be useful.” In your relationships with men, you are much more closely connected to your dream of how things could turn out than to the actual situation. You have a morbid addiction to men and to emotional suffering. You may be emotionally and sometimes biochemically predisposed to addiction to drugs, alcohol and/or certain foods, especially sweets. By getting close to people whose problems need solving, or by being in chaotic, uncertain and emotionally distressing situations, you avoid thinking about responsibility for your personal life. You may have a tendency to periods of depression, which you try to prevent with the help of nervous excitement that occurs in unstable relationships. You are not attracted to kind, reliable, stable men who are interested in you. You find these “nice guys” boring. These characteristics, collected here for self-analysis, may seem to you to be an expression of some extremes. I assure you otherwise. In fact, these simple points are even more complex and full of suffering. If these problems seem much more serious and painful than yours, let me tell you that your initial reaction is typical of most women who often fall in love with the wrong people or get caught in a vicious cycle of breakups..