I’m consoling my friend again! What a day this is! Today I had a fight with my loved one. Because of nonsense, a trifle... but they got stuck in such a stupid way, and I slammed the door and left. And she, my beloved friend, is crying on my sofa about her “ended life.” He “doesn’t understand her at all, doesn’t care about her, behaves like a stranger,” and, most importantly, they haven’t had sex for six months. She feels rejected, deceived and completely exhausted. She, as they say, “went out of her way” to make their marriage perfect, and yesterday he said that he wanted to live separately. He is the husband of my friend Vera, Sasha. Vera and Sasha got married ten years ago, and their son will go to school in the fall. At the very beginning of their marriage, he was already leaving Verka. They were married for three years, he then found a good job, and met some kind of “fifa” there. Verka then howled and begged me to help bring him back. They returned it, through joint efforts. She then changed her job from the one she was used to, with low wages, which was closer to home, to one where she was valued as a specialist and had a good prospect for development, both professional and financial. I also remember that she finally changed her “slicked-back” bun of hair to a wonderful hairstyle, with the help of a good hairstylist. I gave her the contact details of mine, it’s quite expensive, but it cuts in such a way that the mirror makes me happy. Then they bought her airy dresses and daring jeans and T-shirts. It's nice to remember how much fun we had making her life better. How we chose the best from what we could. The food was so delicious, the grass was green, the walks were so pleasant! Her eyes were so ablaze with excitement and joy. He himself then returned. Vera did not break off relations with him, she simply did not hold him. It took me a lot of work to persuade her to let go of control, not to erase and not try to sort things out with his new passion. We transformed this entire wave of destructive energy into the joy of life. I then asked her about what she wanted from life in general. Of course she said, “bring him back,” but I didn’t accept that answer as final. I told her: “Look me in the eyes and tell me - do you want to be happy? So be happy right now!” When he returned, Vera was touchingly happy and said that she understood everything. That when she is bright and self-sufficient, when she is not obsessed with her husband and home, he holds on to her and she will try very hard to be a superwoman. I remember my disappointment from these conclusions. No matter how hard I tried to tell her about authenticity, self-worth, the joy of sharing in a relationship, she did not hear me. She was already blinded by the new charm. The charm of the image of a superwoman. And now, she is crying under the ruins of another castle. She laments that she has made herself into an ideal beauty, but he doesn’t care. She really spends a lot of effort, a lot of time and money on manicures, cosmetology, hair styling, fitness and all sorts of tricks unknown to me to preserve her youth. She looks like a model from a magazine - always fashionably dressed and perfectly coiffed, always wearing heels and amazing designs on her nails. She also made a career, and now she is the head of the department, a valuable specialist with good pay. She bought a car and drives it recklessly, because she has to do everything in time. And it's not easy. In addition to work, she also takes her son to developmental classes, to sports clubs, runs the house perfectly, helps her parents. Just now she admitted that she is on pills, doesn’t get anything done, her work completely exhausts her, and she already hates both clients and colleagues and superiors and yourself. And, the worst thing, she admitted that she simply didn’t want to live anymore. No! No! No! Stop, Verka! What brought you to this? What kind of super idea is this - the ideal super woman! You put yourself on the altar of this religion of ideality. And she tormented herself all these years, suffering in the name of an empty idea. She made sacrifice after sacrifice, giving away parts of herself. And no one needs this sacrifice. There is simply no one to accept her. And while you were worshiping your religion of “ideality,” your husband and son moved away from you. You've lost contact with them. You communicate only with narratives: “youyou must do this..., you must do this....” And you are deeply offended if they do not meet your expectations, do not fit into the picture of “the ideal life of an ideal woman.” And so, the first mistake: Serving the idea for the sake of the idea itself. For example: to be ideal in order to be ideal; be slim because you have to; make a career to make it; earn money so that you always have it, etc. Second mistake: Comparing yourself with ideal others. This is when it seems that I am worthless and nothing, but others...! I as such are not important at all, what matters is what I am in comparison with others or with my ideal self (after all, I must be ideal). Hence the irritation with others, and the desire to call them names and push them aside. Therefore, their worst qualities and their mistakes immediately become noticeable in people. And clients, colleagues, bosses seem unbearable. What happens is what is called dehumanization. Error three: The mindset that life requires constant sacrifice, one must suffer in order to get something valuable. This is an unconscious belief that values ​​​​are something for which one has to pay dearly. What comes joyfully and easily is either fake, or retribution will come later and be terrible. And as a result, a person makes unnecessary sacrifices, torments himself with excessive efforts, which only bring destruction to himself and relationships with other people and affairs. And all this is because of the fourth mistake: The belief that you need to be “good” and not yourself! Because I’m not good enough, and for this I will be driven away, punished, trouble will happen, I will become a real monster. This fear is so deep that it is very difficult to see, understand and accept. Accept yourself right now, as you are now, with love. With her imperfect body, with her weaknesses, her dreams and desires. So my friend Verka is now crying over her mistakes. And I tell her how at a recent seminar my group and I discussed the causes of burnout, its symptoms and ways to get out of it into a healthy life. I understood very clearly what was needed: 1. If you feel like you're burning out on something, take a break. Take a vacation if it concerns work, reduce communication for a while if it concerns a relationship, be in solitude if it is a personal crisis. Relax.2. Really take care of your body. Do not try to change your body in accordance with your ideas about what it should be, but create conditions for its best development, first of all paying attention to its needs. And then you can enjoy your body, play with it, give pleasant stress, and decorate it without injuring or straining. Do not sacrifice your needs, but give your body everything it needs, filling yourself with energy and strength for new achievements.3. Respect and appreciate your desires, all that arise. After all, a good person has only good desires. And if something bad suddenly happens, you need to understand where the good person feels bad and correct it. Then your wishes will only be wonderful! Do not sacrifice your desires, but use them for development, share them with other people.4. A good person deserves to fulfill his desires. You must immediately begin to fulfill all your desires. Any action, no matter how small, brings you closer to what you want. Don’t be afraid to act – mistakes are a natural part of development.5. And this is the main point! A goal for the sake of a goal is empty space. Man was created to create beauty. Great relationships, great world, great things, otherwise burnout. Actions must be filled with meaning, the deeper, more extensive the meaning of our actions, the easier they are and give more energy. Don't be afraid to set big goals! For the sake of such goals, we unite, and in community we feel happy. In this case, if we talk about relationships in marriage, these relationships should not be for the sake of just being, continuing. Marriage unions are created for the birth of a new one. And it's not just children. These are all the ways in which we can be useful to other people: creativity in the arts, creativity in business, protecting the ecology of the Earth or improving the ecology of the human community. Marriage is.