Let's start with the fact that, according to Russian psychologists, the average psychological age of our population is 10-12 years. And this is very sad. Because children: a) Do not live their own lives (by definition, because they cannot be responsible for themselves), sometimes feeling guilty for the lives of adults or forced to “behave correctly and try” in order to receive at least a little love and attention; b) Incapable of adult partnerships and harmonious relationships, because the only known prototype is the child-parent relationship with proving the case and mutual accusations; c) They cannot become full-fledged, adult parents to their children, because They themselves did not receive (accept) enough of the same love that a mother can share with her child. These are just some of the barriers that arise when a child, not having matured, enters real adult life. The first time I thought seriously about female growing up was when I myself became mom. More precisely, I felt “100%” how strongly parental programs and social pressure affect us when we are in psychological childhood. At that time, it seemed to me that I was an adult, accomplished woman, living independently and separately from my parents for more than 10 years, ready for motherhood... I realized how wrong I was when I found myself in a rebellious teenage position in relation to my mother, who “claimed "to manage my life - in the sense of trying to help become a "good mother" :) Perhaps you have encountered this in your life, when, with the aggravation of women's issues (marriage, pregnancy, motherhood, divorce) - you again came across another layer of relationships with mother - like an iceberg, which, it would seem, floated a long time ago... After all, mother is often the “rear” who will always accept, no matter what happens, and how many women “go to mom” when things don’t work out in personal matters, and how many grandmothers raise their first children instead of their mothers. In my opinion, this type of behavior is called KICKBACK. And the broadcast in our society of topics like “the husband may turn out to be bad and not the last, but the mother is always alone!” - a crime, because it preserves female development in that very psychological childhood, plus it reinforces the theme of contrasting men and women and, in principle, the war of the sexes (how many jokes have we written about mothers-in-law??) Moreover, it is a man who may be the only support that allows one to dare to do this a step towards YOUR life, so that after going through your own path, one day you will return to your mother as an adult woman. THE REAL FIRST STEP on the path to your Adult woman (i.e., essentially TO YOURSELF) is not even a rebellion in separation from your mother and defending your interests and personal boundaries, it is a willingness to ACCEPT and LIVE everything that will have to go through during this separation . In a sense, separation (separation from the mother) is the same as childbirth, only later and on a different level. Everyone knows that childbirth is often painful (this is what we normally think), but few people think that psychological childbirth (releasing your child into adulthood) is often even more painful and literally involves a risk to the lives of both participants in the process. There are a lot of examples of how mothers get sick, get injured and really walk on the edge - with only one (unconscious of course) goal - NOT TO LET GO. There are also many examples of how their daughters break down - unable to withstand the burden of GUILTY. But imagine what happens when labor stops in the middle of the natural process? Or don’t start at all?!! WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH? 1. FEAR. Women are psychologically prolonged in their children. Therefore, the fear of death for them is not as obvious as for men (the loss of life opportunities is, as it were, hidden behind children, grandchildren, etc.) Daughters are often closer psychologically, so letting go of a child, and especially a daughter, is literally “losing a barrier” from own old age and impending death. This is really very painful and scary, although mothers do not realize what a burden they place on their children by “using” them as this “screen”. It looks like thislike this: Mother: “I’m so scared to look forward into my own life that I’d rather look at yours and deal with it, you love your mom and won’t leave her alone with her aging and fear?!” Daughter: “Uh... . Of course, mom, I will do as you want, the main thing is that nothing happens to you, otherwise I won’t forgive myself for this... nothing that I won’t live my life, nothing that there will be a lot between us. lies, the main thing is that you don’t feel bad because of me.” 2. SUPERVALUE OF CHILDREN. In a society where a family with 3 children is considered to have many children, a child is a super value, and therefore a problem of fear of losing the value of one’s own life. When something is valuable to us, we invest in it exactly as much attention as is commensurate with the value of this thing. When something becomes SUPER valuable for us, it attracts all our attention and strength, becomes similar to an idea fix, a constant need and neurosis of possession, keeps us in a tense state... A source of constant tension, effort and fear ( to lose, for example) is what I call a problem. Naturally, when this extremely valuable child grows up, everything that was invested in him (at the expense of depriving himself of this attention) must be compensated. This is how human psychology works. Remember the threshold of selflessness. For example: Mother: “Daughter, I tried so hard to raise you as you are, I invested so much in you, I lost so much for you, I sacrificed myself more than once, that, of course, you cannot help but repay me in the same coin - you’re not heartless, you won’t betray your mother?” Daughter: “Uh... of course, mom, I’m very grateful to you for everything you’ve done for me, I understand that I’m in great debt to you, and I I will do everything in my power to meet your expectations"... 3. THE NEED FOR SUPPORT. Have you ever wondered why in folklore tales young girls are often taken away from their homes/rescued/kidnapped by their future men? - Absolutely right, it is much easier to separate from your mother when you have a partner next to you. Yes, not just a man, but a mature adult man, for whom the topic with his mother (preferably!) is closed. It is almost impossible to oppose yourself to your parents (who, naturally, are higher in the family hierarchy) and “hatch” from the nest alone. You can go to live in another city, you can not communicate for years, but real separation occurs only when you enter into a serious relationship and create YOUR own family. Only then do you catch up in status - a family opposite another family. You move from the status of descendants to the status of ancestors. And for some reason, often parents (especially mothers) again unconsciously oppose such separation (and often using dads as heavy weapons)! Mother: “Daughter, live with us, why do you need to spend money on other housing? We are with the children too We will help you! You will be in front of us :) We are ready to accept your husband into OUR family!!! We just want to make your life easier! saving money... maybe we could really live together/nearby/give the baby to live with his mother, etc., etc...?" Husband: "What exactly am I doing here?!!!" From recipes, which I can share - A FEW SUPPORTING PHRASES FOR DAUGHTERS: Mommy, my love, I really want you to be happy, and I really want to be happy myself. The best thing you can do for me is to be happy yourself, regardless of me, because I cannot be responsible for your life. In turn, I promise to be responsible for my happiness and unhappiness, to become happy myself, which I hope you will only be happy about! Mom, I feel that you are hurt and scared right now, and I am sorry that you choose to react this way to my decision (situation/choice/departure, etc.). Please, let's not discuss this situation anymore, WE decided so with my husband (or I decided MYSELF). If I can somehow help you accept this situation, tell me how, I will help. If you accept my choice, I will be grateful to you, if not, then I won’t do anything..