I can say that I am an achiever. In everything. My life is filled with various kinds of achievements, social correctness, confidence and reliability. The whole point is that I rush through life and don’t let a single person overtake me. If I feel that someone can get around me, I will make a lot of effort, without self-pity, and I will do it, in the sense I will get around on all fronts. By the age of 40, I received everything that I lied about and that I invented before I was 25. Neither in which there is no gap. I tried everything I wanted, did what I imagined in my wildest fantasies. But there is something else that I am not talking about. I'm not talking about self-pity. She's gone. And there is a shortage of it. All this time I was merciless with myself. Yes, I tried to protect myself from everyone, but I never protected myself. I'm out of the habit of feeling sorry for myself. I'm out of the habit of taking a break. For the last 5 years, my whole life rests only on me. Child, husband, home, work, clients, study. Everything depends on me. And the most interesting thing I notice is that those who feel more sorry for themselves persist less and receive more care and attention from others. Yes, I became strong, but no one canceled the desire to get into the arms precisely because you are already good. What do you deserve in your arms. And now I feel that I want to be in my arms. I want to go on vacation. I feel that the quarter is over, and ended with excellent grades, and with a clear conscience I want to go on vacation to my grandmother. So that she asks me every day what I want to eat, how I feel, notices my pallor, lack of mood, and reads books to me at night. I want them to spin around me, let me sleep, touch me less and give more. Yes, it's a balance thing. Once you have taken a lot from yourself, you need to replenish. Previously, when I was still young and free, in moments of feeling empty, I got ready and went to a sanatorium - this was the legal and most reliable way to get care and attention. Cooked food, massage, baths, sleep and walks - all this helped a lot and relieved fatigue. But it also gave a lot. I could be filled. And then return to my business. But what do I want now? I want to restore myself. I would like to thank myself for my great contribution to the family and various other achievements, the fruits of which my family can enjoy. And is it important. Important because the child may be protected by the parent's well-being. Because money is a great protection. Good clothes are armor, and a car is a visible part of well-being. And my child has all this thanks to my work and work on himself. Every day. Someone will say that it’s easy!!! Maybe. In words. When you do nothing, everything is simple. Now I understand very well how many opportunities and freedom open up for people who either had constant help in the form of helping parents, or allowing themselves to relax and enjoy themselves when their strength was running low. For a long time I was not taught to feel sorry for myself. It was necessary to pity, respect, see only others. There wasn’t enough for myself anymore. Now, when my daughter eats one chocolate bar and it doesn’t even occur to her to offer it to me, I’m happy. Because if people were close to me before, I definitely had to share, offer my own. But this turned out to be a deception. There is no need to do this. Only if you are asked and you can give. That's it. Waste. This is what people feel who have been driven through life and now feel like driven horses. They feel everyone. They try to understand the other. but they didn’t take into account one thing: constantly understanding others, you cease to understand yourself. And here the betrayal towards oneself begins. I think my current state is caused by the dissertation I finally defended, receiving a new scientific title. That's a lot of power. And a lot of self-respect. This is a new perception of yourself. And that's how I feel. Only terribly tired and in need of urgent self-care. I think my next step to happiness will be the permission to understand that life is not eternal, and that everyone!!!!