One of the most difficult intrapersonal conflicts to experience is the conflict between the irresistible desire to be close to a loved one and the impossibility of fulfilling it. The reasons may be different: there is no mutual love, or there is love, but because of other contradictions it is completely impossible to get along with each other, or there is love, but there is another family... Therefore, when requesting psychological consultation, the problem of gender relations is always in the lead. Usually it sounds like this: “I can’t live without this person, what should I do to get him back?” It is with this phrase that the psychologist’s work with the client begins. And it consists of two parts. Let's start with the first one: “I can’t live without this person”... There are actually very few things in the world that a person can’t live without. These are basic needs that must be satisfied in order not to die. Until now, it was generally accepted that these included heat, water, food, and air. But more and more often you can find individuals who can do without food in the traditional sense, since they feed themselves in other ways, ... absorbing the energy of the sun, for example. It is known that for successful development a person needs love from birth. An infant who receives formal care without expressions of love also dies or grows up to be a person with obvious emotional personality defects. It turns out, whatever one may say, the need for love is one of the most important in a person’s life. But what is behind the phrase “I can’t live without him (her)?” Usually, when I ask to clarify what a person means when he says this, I hear the following answers: - I love him. - I can’t imagine my existence without him. - I feel bad without him (I don’t want to do anything, nothing is interesting, everything loses its meaning, I think only about him...) Let's look further: - Were there such states before? - Well, there were. When you broke up with your ex... - And are you still alive? called neurotic love, when there is emotional dependence on another person. And here we no longer have “strong love,” as is commonly believed in society, but a high degree of dependence on another. Today this condition is well described and is a type of disease such as codependency and is characterized by the fact that a person begins to live not his own life, but the life of another person. Manifestations of emotional dependence include the following changes in behavior and thinking: - before I do something, I think how he will react to it; - I buy for myself what he should like; - his needs come first for me; - I do something for him to the detriment of my interests; - I agree with his point of view, even if I didn’t think so before; - I try to please him in everything; - I avoid statements and actions that he may not like. If at least three of the points listed are characteristic of you, then most likely you have an emotional dependence. Moreover, this state has nothing to do with another person. After breaking up with one, you will again develop similar unhealthy relationships with another partner. Therefore, the first and main cure for your recovery will be to work with your emotional dependence. Now it’s easier to deal with the second part of the request for psychological counseling: “What should I do to get him back?” The fact is that as you gain inner freedom, healthy, pure thinking also turns on, which allows you to decide at the level of reason, and not just at the level of feelings, whether you are ready to continue living with this particular person or not. After all, it is impossible to change another person; you should not waste your strength, energy and time. He is who he is. The only thing in your power is to learn to negotiate with him in order to agree